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Suzanne-photog4fun · 04-25-2004, 09:17 AM

Life, I'm learning, is what I make it. I remember an old saying "If I continue to do what I've always done, I'll continue to get what I've always gotten". And this has been true for me. I continued to eat how I did and I got heavier. I stayed isolated from others and I got lonelier. I never took the risk to persue men, and I didn't get the experience of raising a family or having intimacy in my life. These are all consequences to my own behavior.

Since I became thinner, I thought that maybe a male intimate relationship would just "happen" in my life naturally. But it hasn't. So currently I am looking, once again, at my own behavior (self examination is the pits) and how I can change it to get to where I want to go to. Fear, selfishness, impatience with others & laziness stiffle my success. Little by little, I put one foot in front of the other and move along the path of improving emotional health. My years of obesity was damaging to my self esteem, especially to my feelings of being a desirable, sexual woman. I'm not sure if I'll ever feel sexual. It has been quite a few years since I've been in an intimate relationship I'm embarrassed to admit. Genetically (I guess), I have a very low sex drive or need for intimacy, and also a huge loner streek. Yet I long to be held and walk arm in arm with a man that I love. I enjoy time alone and fear that a relationship might put pressure on me to be with him during most of my free time. It's a tough place to be in.... longing to be around people, yet not wanting to be around them also. I enjoy people in small amounts of time. I think that that is why I often travel alone....that the thought of having to be with someone for a prolonged period of time is more stressful than emotionally fulfilling. I feel like a freak in that way. Hopefully there is a man somewhere out there with similar needs that I'll eventually connect with. But it isn't going to happen without me taking more action (damit!). I wish that I didn't have to work hard for my "wants" in life to happen. Yet it sure feels good when I've accomplished something that I've worked hard at.
I'm proud of what I have accomplished in my life. I am a successful professional and have a close network of long term friendships. I am also blessed with a wonderful extended family. I'm generally happy & content most days. My bouts of depression are much less than years ago, thankfully, and mostly well controlled on medication.
Well, that's enough on my reflection on life this morning. Have a good day.