MiladyB

Well I am now 10 months post-op. It wasn't a very successful month and I am sufficiently frustrated. I only lost 4 pounds this month. I'm sitting on my first MAJOR stall out (right at the doors of One-derland) It almost feels like my body is afraid to cross-over!!

I must admit that exercise has really been slacking lately. I've been busy and just not making it the priority that I should. I also have been struggling more with the snacking. I suspect all of that has come into play with the slow weight loss. Sometimes I feel like I'm back into the self-sabatoge mode from years past.

The head games are starting again. In the back of my head I'm afraid that this will just be another failure. Failure has been all that I have ever known from childhood on, when it comes to my weight. The feelings of "failure" have been so much a part of my life since childhood in so many different areas. I struggle with knowing that it is okay to put "me" first. I need to learn to take care of myself. It isn't easy because I still struggle with my feelings of self-worth. It is getting better though. I do know in my heart that I am worth it. That I deserve to be successful. That I deserve to see fulfillment of my dreams. I have taken the right road this time. I truly believe that and I will succeed! There will be stumbles but I will not let them throw me into a spiral. I deserve more for myself and I know that there are many in my life that will continously remind me of that.

It's a new month. I've reset my goals of exercise and food journaling. I've recomitted myself to the process and I have loved myself enough to move on down the road, the right way.

I re-read these words of mine tonight. They were the words of pain and frustration in regards to my past weight loss attempts. This is not a pain I will visit again but it is good to remember where I've been.

The Gallows

I cupped within a trembling hand,
the reality of a dream,
that sacrifices obtained.

A road traveled...not in a safe way.
The goal a dream, that lived with me,
for most of my days.

Looking upon its reality, I shivered.
Reaching in, a core of sadness,
still brushed my hand.

Outside a garment of contentment,
inside, tumult reigned...
The expense of the reality.

Confusion tumbled around me.
The world had convinced me,
happiness was on the other side.

The reality, something my life depended on
but I traveled the wrong road,
to grasp and make it mine.

So with a cry of anguish,
I looked upon the reality
and with a quivering hand, it slipped away.

Now many times the world has
convinced me, that to save my life
the dream MUST become real.

And I have set my foot
upon many roads, only to slip
as the dream was so close at hand.

Feeling like a fool...a failure.
Why can't I find a road
I can travel, feeling at peace?

Is it me or the roads that I've traveled?
Is it sheer stupidity or fear,
that causes me to release?

Looking up at the gallows of my life,
the world's whispers echo in my mind,
“You're going to die...”

©BAR
7/20/98

__________________
Beth

Little Victories; Grand Rapids, MI
Bariatric Support Group


CherishedTeddyBear-(TT Bear Lover)

The Poetry of Milady
New Beginnings: My Journey to LIFE

359(BMI: 57.9)/148(BMI:23.1)
Highest/Current

Diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, high cholesterol,
peripheral vein disease, joint pain and 211 lbs GONE!!


Century Club: July 3, 2006
ONE-derland: Dec. 22, 2006
Double Century: May 29, 2007
Goal: June 15, 2008

Lap RNY: 1/30/06-Dr Randal Baker
TT/BL: 09/21/07-Dr Ronald Ford
PS Revisions: 04/29/08-Dr Ronald Ford
Gallbadder removal: 06/09/08-Dr Randal Baker