Over the past few weeks, I've become increasingly aware of my control issues. It started when some guy that Jeanette and I met while out dancing called me a control freak. It pissed me off and I dismissed it because he said it in reaction to the fact that I wouldn't let him grope me (DUH?!), but it "stuck in my craw" so to speak... Then, Dara posted something on another thread about control issues and I started to think about it. I've turned it over and over in my head and now have some things that I'd like to share:
- Of course I'm a control freak - I had years of practice when I was MO. I did everything humanly possible to ensure that I wasn't going to embarrass myself or anyone else with my weight or the way I looked. There could never be any "wardrobe malfunctions"; I wouldn't sit in any chair that looked remotely flimsy; I couldn't let anyone know how desperately unhappy, uncomfortable, or unhealthy that I felt; I had to maintain the "happy fat person" shtick so that people wouldn't pity me; blah blah blah. Even not going out or socializing was a form of control.
- Of course I'm a control freak even now after losing almost half my body weight. The weight loss has made me incredibly vulnerable, which is terrifying to someone who was always the brunt of jokes and had been assaulted and humiliated. I simultaneously love and hate the attention I get now, and I try my darndest to control everything - what people see, hear, and think about me.
- I certainly want to control what people see of my body because I'm so uncomfortable with it's new shape. It's not just the extra skin (which, for the record, is SO not as bad as we all think it is), I want to control what people see of the good parts so as not to be thought of as slutty or desparate or any one of the hundreds of negative things I've thought about myself.
- What is control? It's an illusion. The only thing that we can control is our own behavior, and even that's iffy sometimes. We can't control what people think, how they see us, etc.
- How much time do I spend trying to control everything? Too fu**ing much, let me tell you. It takes a lot of energy to anticipate every possible thing that can go wrong, and it's a useless job because inevitably something does go wrong that you never even considered. How much more relaxed, contented, and generally happy would I be if I weren't trying to control everything? Thinking about giving up the control actually relieves me to such a degree that I want to just take a nap.
Anyway, those are some of the conclusions that I've come to. Anyone else have something to add?