ThinnerTimes - Gastric Bypass and Lap Band® Forum - View Single Post

MiladyB · 09-20-2006, 08:52 PM

Inkwell

I immerse quelled fingers to dabble
in the reservoir of my mind,
deep within the richest ink,
the blackest I can find.
Allured by security of darkness,
away from the starkness of reality.
Where I find my soul
in the blackest tracings,
on the whitest page.

©BAR
01/21/99

These are some of the words that helped bring me to where I am today. I'm already 7 1/2 months post-op but I was moved today to share my story.

I don't really want to get too much into my past history but like so many of you I have struggled with weight issues and self esteem issues for much of my life starting from childhood. I honestly don't know what initially brought about the increased weight when I was young but I know that from elementary school and on I always felt like I was very much alone in school and often at home.

Compared to so many of the other stories I have read on here I honestly had a very intact and loving family, but so often in my life I felt as if I was a disappointment to my mother. She has always been very judgemental of my weight issues, even when I honestly wasn't all that overweight in my junior high years she was almost absorbed with wanting me to be "pretty". I can't even count how many times I heard the comment, "You will be so pretty if you...." , and so over the many years I feel the use of food was my way of feeling that I had some kind of control in my life and was my way of rebelling against my mother.

Like so many of you I have tried the diets starting with my first visit to Weight Watchers at the age of 15. Over the many years since, I have crossed the Weight Watcher's path many other times along with many others' doors. Like so many of you I would lose only to gain not only the lost weight but more. I went on a drastic 700 cal diet six months before my wedding and reached 145 lbs. The lowest I had been in years! I fit into that "perfect" size 10 dress I had bought and reached those standards my mother had set to what made someone "beautiful". But the diet had taken it's toll with the diagnosis of mono just 2 months before the wedding and the major lack of enjoyment for me when it came to showers and celebrations because I HAD to lose weight and stick to that diet! I felt terrible and tired most of the time so as soon as the wedding was done I was back to my old ways and was up to 200 lbs by the time I became pregnant with our first child 1 1/2 years later. I continued to gain between each subsequent child with frequent attempts to lose in between those gains only to lose 40-70 lbs and gain back 100! I had reached a point where I just gave up when it came to my weight. I felt I had once again disappointed my mother but that was the way I felt most of my life had been so why should I care? And one of the last memories of my father was a letter from him written at my mother's urging telling me that if I didn't lose weight I would probably lose my husband. My husband has ALWAYS been my BIGGEST support and he unconditionally has loved me at whatever size I have been. So with that letter I gave up trying and just played the roll of that "good daughter".

From A Non-Entity

Beside you I feel as a cast out stranger
Not as the child of who you gave birth
I watch you in silence as you ignore me
Treating me as a person with little worth

When your gaze looks upon my being
All I see is total disgust in your eyes
If you brush against me or I embrace you
There is an aversion you just can't disguise

What have I done to receive your judgment?
You, who others praise , has a golden heart
Explain to me, please, how this shows you love me
Where in concern does revulsion take a part?

~

As a child my life was filled with loneliness
Trying to ignore laughs and jeers behind hands
Sitting alone upon the school steps, hiding
Feeling there was no one who could understand

I searched for something I could excel in
That which would bring me into the crowd
The one thing I could claim as my own
Something that would make you proud

But when I discovered within, that treasure
The praise was so limited, I didn't understand
My flaws and looks were the focus of discussion
For you see a fat child was never part of your plan

~

Now as an adult, I'm still treated as that child
You still are trying to control and change me
All buried in the pretense of love and caring
But the driving power of guilt, is what I see

I don't need your guilt placed upon me
Believe me, I have enough of my own
Constantly feeling I am a total failure
For once let me be in control!

Don't go behind my back using my family
Trying to shed your guilt by changing who I am
I am who I am, but for you that isn't good enough
Because I don't fit into your perfect plan

~

Because I'm overweight do you think I don't feel?
Do you think the layers have caused me to go numb?
My self esteem has been pulverized and strangled
I don't need to be treated like I'm dumb!

The world looks upon me in total disgust
Laughing and snickering...I pretend I don't hear
After all fat people are scum...a non-entity
So why should anyone, even you, really care

I'm told by all around to 'Just change it'
But it is hard to change, if I have no worth
I don't expect the world to solve my problems
But being treated as a human being sure wouldn't hurt

(c)Beth A. Rogers

For years I have struggled with feelings of unacceptance by my mother. Though I honestly know that there is much love from her the concern for my weight and for what she felt I needed in my life effected my self esteem in so many ways. For most of my life I struggled with trying to figure out how to please her until I finally found a peace and acceptance of myself in my own heart.

The words that I started my story with were words of mine that helped me on my journey. About 8 years ago words started to flow from me. I had never been one to write poetry but there was something inside of me that just started to flow. All of the sadness and darkness in me came to the surface. So many times I saw such a darkness in my words that it scared me...

Center Stage

I have entered an arena sated with an aura,
which speaks of a vile evil,
that hideously prowls
the sanctums of souls;

Filled with the stench
of odorous excrement,
by-products of feasting
that now ooze from life's
inner walls;

Feasting of trust, love,
self worth and confidence,
ravenously devoured by
gnashing teeth;
only to leave crumbs of fear
scattered on life's plate.

I have drawn back a heavy shroud,
masking the arena's center stage,
revealing beady eyed demons,
slithering with forked tongues
flicked in my face.

Their ecstasy,
the exhumation of death;
resurrection of stagnation,
their ultimate goal;
forced to play in an endless drama,
scripted to distract
from a child's cries
from tombs unknown.

©BAR
03/03/99

The words above came from something in me I don't think I had ever faced. I saw so much pain and anger in my own words. But through my poetry I was able to find a peace and love for myself that I had never known. It was an acceptance of who I was, the beauty inside of me and the knowledge that I could honestly only find peace through "me". It made no difference the aversion that my mother felt towards me because of my weight. She was a human being too and she had given me all she was able to give me.

.....so the inner journey of healing had begun and with that the outer journey of healing and health took seed....