It's been two weeks since I last wrote. Nothing much has really changed. I'm still under a lot of stress, but I think it's manageable. I met with another person who is also preparing for the bar exam in July, and we created a study schedule. At least that has helped to make the materials appear easier to handle. Now it's just about having the discipline to stick to the schedule we created for ourselves.
I've been tracking my foods on Fitday.com, and it has really helped. Even though this surgery physically changed me so that I couldn't help but lose weight initially, it didn't fix my brain. I think I'm in that space that Carnie Wilson spoke of in her book --- "The Head Trip." I remember when I was reading it that I got bored with her "head trip" section because all I wanted to know pre-op was how much weight I was going to lose and what it would be like to live on fluids and soft foods. I was foolish to think that my head wasn't involved in my weight problem. The one thing that Fitday has helped me with is tracking the calories and where they're coming from (i.e., protein, carbs, fats, etc.). I think a lot of my struggle these past 4-5 weeks has been that I've been on a carb load. As soon as I stopped dropping weight, I figured I was eating too much so I cut back. Knowing that it doesn't take me much to fill up anymore, I fooled myself into believing that I would just cut back and when I got hungry just drink water and eat a granola bar and I would be fine. As soon as I saw via Fitday that much of what I was eating was carbs, I changed my eating plan. I focused on protein and veggies, and just as if that was the "magic pill," in a few days I was dropping weight again.
I think some of my struggle is that I know what I should be eating, but I miss the "bad" stuff. I know that I feel so much better about myself when I eat correctly... and my body responds positively to that. But then I fool myself and allow myself "just one" and then I'm back in the old habit again. Then I feel terrible and swear off the bad stuff, and then after 3-4 days of being really good, I allow "just one" and it's back to the stupid cycle. Ugh! No wonder we live in an obese world! Being healthy is plain hard work!!!
....and that's another thing.... not that I'm an "expert" on nutrition or anything ... obviously since I'm still struggling with my own weight loss ... but I'm so frustrated with all these "low carb" foods being pumped out by the food industry. It's like this is the new fix, but just as the "low fat/non-fat" diets led to their own disasters, odds are this "low carb" or "carb alternative" stuff is going to lead us down another disasterous road. Why can't the food industry just go back to basics, and provide simply healthy food????
My goals for this week: eat better, keep track of my calories on Fitday, make it to the gym at least 4 days this week, and hopefully be down at least 2 pounds by next Sunday.
--j (184)